me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!