Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me