Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.