Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.