me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.