Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’m not proud
Weighing up my bread heating options
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.