Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
You Might Also Like
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”