Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think