me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops