Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Brother?

We like the way Dwight thinks

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’