me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
That’s it.I’m out.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
You had me at “define legal”.