ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.