Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
be careful
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”