Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant


ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.


I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.


Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!


Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.


-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)


I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*


James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.