Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Stop sending me this shit.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.