ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?