me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Breaking news:
Cat.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.