Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Would you wear it?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”