Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.