Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?