Me when I hear gossip
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.