Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
(True)
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.