me when i see my girls butt
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*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
scared to check what name she chose
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket