me when i smell free food in the break room
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Had an epiphany today.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word