Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*