me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Always.
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?