Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.