Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.