Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
This checks out
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Never ghost your hitman.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”