Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

set yourself free xox

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs