Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me too
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously