Me when my alarm goes off
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter