me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me too
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Practicing safe sax
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
This 4th of July, please remember…
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.