ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.