me when somebody idk start touching me
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
