me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.