Me when someone tries to get to know me
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is it earth
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches