Me when someone tries to get to know me
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*Hey Ya starts playing*
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.