Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.