me when the borders lift
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Just a bush.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.