Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason