Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
That took me a moment.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.