me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
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Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before