Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.