me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.