@flashember

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

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@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@OllyiConic

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@choniepony

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@BrosefWtheMosef

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

@AmishSuperModel

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@justabloodygame

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.