me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The Birdles
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss