me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”