Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

lot going on here, legally speaking.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Gods work.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…