me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
oppen heimer style lol
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury