Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Mistakes were made
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies