me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”