Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
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that wasn’t the question
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
welcome back
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost