Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
wait.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.